


Take what you need, take the air that I breathe

by otatop



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Phone Calls, Post-Canon, Sappy ending bc im a sap, in their own way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-01-07
Packaged: 2019-10-05 20:50:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17332121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/otatop/pseuds/otatop
Summary: “That's not what I meant, don't take that the wrong way,” he says. His capacity for gentleness does not lie in words and Neil's knowledge of that is the only reason the line doesn't go dead.__It's been 9 days





	Take what you need, take the air that I breathe

**Author's Note:**

> title from Be There by Seafret

It's not until they're on the phone that night that Andrew notices something is wrong. That's far too long for him not to notice. He could easily blame it on the grinding schedule of being a pro athlete but that's not the entire truth. The whole truth is that they haven't done more than text in days despite their initial momentum of calling every night.

What was that last message?  _ it was a lame movie u didn't miss anything _   
  
But he had missed something. It wasn't much, Neil didn't even like movies, but they were going to watch it together. As together as they could be, at least. It's a full 26 hours after their missed date that Andrew finally calls Neil back. It almost rings out, which is the first clue that something is wrong. The second is Neil's dull, "Hey."   
  
That's a new one. He hasn't heard Neil's voice in 9 days but he remembers what it's supposed to sound like. It's supposed to call out a sarcastic greeting. It's supposed to curse as he drops something in his rush to answer the call.  It's not supposed to be..... meek.   
  
"What's wrong?" He asks.   
  
Neil inhales and it shakes the whole way in. "I don't feel very good," he says because even when things are tough they're honest. Especially when things are tough. It's how they've navigated so many years.   
  
"What's. Wrong." Andrew repeats. He has half a mind to jump in his car but that wouldn't do either of them any good- he wouldn't get to Palmetto until the next day even if he broke every traffic law.    
  
"I just..." he starts and stops and starts again in one long breath. "I just.... everything is too big? The bed and the car and the court and the roof. I keep looking over my shoulder for y-" he stops and starts and stops again in two slow breaths. “It's so stupid I don't understand why I'm feeling like this. I know where you are. You've been gone for months I know you're gone but I keep-” he stops and starts and stops and starts and stops again in 3 fast breaths. “I don't understand.”

Andrew sighs and holds his cigarette between his lips so he can rub his hand over eyes and into his hair. He takes it back between his fingers so he can say, “Oh, Neil. Don't tell me you miss me.” he says it like it's scornful, like he doesn't feel the same.

Neil inhales another long shuddering breath and then holds it. Andrew counts to six before he hears a tight, nasally “oh” and then “that's what that is?”

“It's not an unusual feeling,” Andrew offers in a rare show of comfort. Neil isn't always the greatest at accepting that his emotions are valid, despite how many he has. Funny, how Andrew is the one to offer support here. 

“I thought,” Neil starts and stops once with a single hitching breath. “I thought- when my mom died- it wasn't like  _ this… _ ”

“You hated your mother,” Andrew reminds him.

“I loved her, too,” Neil retaliates. “I always thought-” he stops and doesn't start again after four quick inhales. Andrew considers waiting it out until Neil's breath shakes on the exhale. It's a heart wrenching sound made worse by the 1,500 miles between them. 

“What did you always think?” he prompts. 

“Is this- I always thought Nicky was being so dramatic when he said he missed Erik. Is this that? Was he feeling like this that whole time? How did he stand it?”

His first month away, he'd thought the exact same thing. His next was that if Nicky could do it for so long, he could as well. At least he and Neil were in the same country. They could visit each other more often… theoretically. There had been summer training for the both of them, then pre-season while Neil had started classes, then regular season for the both of them.

Maybe they didn't see each other more often...

“I'm sure if you called Nicky he would be more than happy to help.”

Wrong. Well, right, because he would, but that was the wrong thing to say. Neil's shaking breaths became steady and even like he was working to control them. Suggesting that Neil call someone else when he was missing  _ Andrew.  _ Suggesting that Neil call someone else when they hadn't talked for more than  _ nine days. _

“That's not what I meant, don't take that the wrong way,” he says. His capacity for gentleness does not lie in words and Neil's knowledge of that is the only reason the line doesn't go dead. 

“Without you here… sometimes it feels like before. Like Millport. And I'm trying to be better than I was then but I- without y- it's hard. I know I'm not by myself but I keep looking for you and every time I wake up it's like I just have to deal with it. Every day I just have to get through it, every week, every month and I keep telling myself that it's just until graduation but that's not true, is it? Because you want to be traded but you don't know where and I don't know where I'll end up. Nicky always knew for sure he would stop missing Erik this June but I have no idea when I'm going to stop feeling like this. What if all we ever have is Court?”

“That's not going to happen,” Andrew promises. 

“You don't know that, Andrew. Neither of us know where we are going to be next year. And after that? It's anyone's guess.”

“I know that neither of us will go to California or the mid Atlantic. I know neither of us will sign with Kevin. So what you're going to do is sign a shitty one year contract to get your foot in the door and prove your point until Matheson retires from Denver and then you're going to be traded to a team with a shitty Raven infested offense and plenty of cap space for you to grow into.”

Andrew can practically hear Neil muttering. It took five breaths for the pieces to start clicking. 

“Denver is on your list,” is all he says.

“Denver  _ is _ my list as of last night. Matheson is too expensive for them to sign a striker that they don't need but when he's gone there's a position waiting for you.”

Three breaths. “Is that why you missed last night?”

“It was sudden but not unforgivable.”

“N-no, definitely not. How do- what- how do you- it's barely December, how do you know all of this is a sure deal? The season doesn't end for  _ months _ .”

“I could smell their desperation after our game last week. Gerund is a terrible goalie and they have too many ravens on their first line. They're volatile and effective but expensive. I agreed to a 5 year contract at my current salary if they traded their 2nd round draft pick for you when Matheson retires after his contract ends.”

Neil's breath shakes on the inhale again but this time the smile is audible as well. “This is the most I've ever heard you talk about Exy in a single conversation,” he chirps. Then he laughs, barely audible. “Two years? I think I can handle that. Especially with Court.”

“I turned down Court,” Andrew reminds him.

“Yeah but when they ask me and I say yes you'll come. Can't you imagine? You, me, Kevin, together again.”

“I will hang up on you.”

This time, Neil laughs for real.  _ Nine days _ . He won't be letting that happen again. Neil breathes out once and Andrew can perfectly imagine the upward tilt of his head as he looks up at the sky. He blows out the last puff of his cigarette and tries to smell it the way Neil would. 

“I miss you, but I can handle one and a half more years if it means we'll be on the same team.”

Andrew stubs out his cigarette. “Me, too, junkie.”

**Author's Note:**

> I finally made a tumblr today because I wrote this on my phone and wanted to share :o Come find me! I'm imperfectcourt


End file.
